While I’d like to think I’m more like Charlie – calm, patient, ever-grateful, content, loving – I am not. I am instead Veruca Salt (the girl, not the band). I want my own way, and I want it NOW. If you think of God as Daddy, you get the whole picture of what goes through my head on a regular basis – “I want it now, Daddy.”
I want that life I dream of – husband, kids, farm, alpacas, book contracts, musician friends who stop by the house to just play a new song for me – all of it. And to be honest, I think dreams are valuable and wonderful . . . and achievable. I think we’re given dreams to help us move forward, and so it’s not the dreams that are the problem.
The problem is that I am impatient. I don’t like to wait. I want this life now – actually, I want it yesterday. I don’t like to think that I may need to get some other things worked out before this dream life will be the dream. I’m ready now . . . at least I think I’m ready now.
The thing is that I love my daddy (okay, both my daddies – the earthly one and the not-so-earthly one), and I know my daddy loves me. I know that he (and I use that pronoun only for the sake of the analogy) has this amazing plan for me involving all these desires that are so deep in my heart. I know he sees what’s ahead and is laying it out all out perfectly . . . if only I would stop mucking it up by trying to take control.
So I’m taking some drastic measures to battle my Veruca-like nature. First, I’m listening more. For example, last night I heard the distinct message – “Take it easy, Andi. Just let things come.” This seems wise.
Secondly, I’m really trying to curb my controlling nature by just stopping my striving. I’m doing what is before me to do, and that’s it. I’m not trolling the bars (okay, we don’t have bars here – I’m not trolling the local hardware store) for men or pouring through real estate magazines looking for the perfect farm. I’m trusting God to bring that stuff before me when it’s time. (Note – I said, I’m trying. This is really hard for me.)
Finally, I’m slowing down. I’ve been working on this for years now, and I am better. But I’m trying even harder. I feel so urgent most of the time – like there’s only so much time to do everything. As my earthly daddy reminds me, “You don’t have to do it all today, Andi.” So I’m doing what I can when I can without feeling “time’s winged chariot” hovering over head.
I think I’ll always be a little Veruca-like, but maybe a little more of Charlie will settle in while I wait.