I like to be in control. I like to control my schedule. I like to control my communication. I like to control my diet. I like to control my emotions. I like to control, well, anything. (I even hog the remotes.) This is not a good thing.
For the past two years, God and I have been battling this out (did I mention that I like to try and control God, too?) God has been asking me to give up more and more control of things – my vocation, my money, my living situation – and to live into grace and faith. So far, this has been hard but not that hard.
Until last week.
Without going into more detail than I want to share with the entire universe, let’s just say I have come to a situation that I absolutely cannot control. There is absolutely nothing I can do to bring about the outcome that I want. I am totally and completely out of control. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying to take control. I keep trying to understand or analyze. I keep trying to take action. I keep trying to pray myself to an outcome right now, okay, then now, okay, NOW, only to be knocked back again and again.
If I could simply give up control over this, if I could simply let God take control and stop trying to wrench it from God’s strong right hand, I know I would feel more peace. Honestly, what could I do that would be better than what God can do? I say this now, when I’m lucid and feeling fairly at peace – in five minutes, I will probably be analyzing again.
But for now, while I have this window of clarity, I know that losing control of this is a good thing. There is peace in submission. I am submitting my will to One whose will is infinitely better.
In doing so, I am able to keep from resigning myself to something less than what God has for me. I do not want second-best. I do not want to settle. I want only the best in my life. But when I seize control, when I take the wheel of the lawnmower (as Shawn Smucker noted this morning), I am settling for that which I can provide for myself, and that can never be the best. I’m only a human. It’s just not possible.
Thank God, I have not been allowed to take control of this situation. It’s painful, it’s heartbreaking, and sometimes it seems like it can’t possibly end well. But then, in those moments, I sit back, breath, and let it all go, let it go to a God who promises more than I can hope for or imagine.