So this week and last, I haven’t written. I haven’t even done my normal writing practice in the morning where I read, think, meditate, and write a few pages of thoughts. None of that. Normally, I would feel bad about this, and I expect some of you will think I should have been more diligent about my writing . . . and you may be right.
But what I know is that for the last two weeks I have felt less stressed out, more able to commit to what I’m doing – be it teaching, cleaning, hanging out with friends, grading – and part of that reason is because I simply have more time to do those things. Part of it, also, is that I am finally done with fighting the obligations and responsibilities in my life. I am trying to accept them with joy.
That said, all this might be different if I didn’t know that in six weeks time I will no longer be teaching full-time and will have hours a day to write. Maybe if the teaching gig looked endless, I would need to write every day just to keep myself sustained.
But now, I find myself looking forward to the time when I will be able to write with purpose and with a wandering mind. For months now, I have been – to good effect – squeezing writing into an hour or two in the morning, and while I am getting things done and producing words, I always felt rushed, too busy, anxious about the next thing I needed to do.
So I have decided to honor my writing by not forcing it to feel like that. I know – don’t worry – that I will need to find a way to keep it central, to not let it get gobbled up with other things – and I will. But for now, I am enjoying my last few weeks of full-time professorship, spending more time with my colleagues, trying to be the best teacher I can be, really listening to my students when they talk. I am also working hard to sell my house so that I can realize the “farm” part of my dream. And I am enjoying my life because I am taking time for it.
I do miss writing, but I am working on writing – just not with a pen. Instead, I’m working on it with my life . . . leaving the words to come freely when they must. And boy, does that freedom feel great.
– “Freedom” by ManfromManila on Flickr